My whole life I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia, binge eating, poor self-esteem, impostor syndrome, lack of confidence, self-pity, eating disorders, body image issues, the list goes on. Growing up, I’ve always been hyper focused and hypercritical of my appearance and how I presented myself to others. I was never the prettiest, strongest, fastest, most popular, most talented, etc. In fact, I was bullied a lot during school. I was always the talk of the rumor mill. Some of the rumors were true – most were extremely obscene and downright nasty. This encouraged me to act out. I figured – people were going to talk anyway, might as well give them something to talk about. But really, it was just a facade. I wanted people to view me as carefree with a “give no shits” attitude. Part of it was genuine, I really was carefree. But I gave a shit. I gave a whole lot of shits.
Now, at 26, I still struggle with this. But I’m a little wiser now.
To be honest, my early adulthood has been no walk in the park. At age 18, my Dad passed away unexpectedly on Easter Sunday in a motorcycle accident. I was extremely close to my father and I took this HARD. He had always been my inspiration, my positive reinforcement, my cheerleader, my best friend. He taught me how to harness the negativity I experienced in life and turn it into a creative outlet. Without him, I was lost.
That same year (within a month of my Dad’s death) I lost my childhood dog, Maxi. She was a Jack Russel Terrier and the very first dog we ever owned as a family. She was older, but her death was an accident. She wandered away from the house one day and found herself on a busy road. She was hit by an oncoming car and died instantly. Two tragedies in one year was hard.
But they say misfortunes come in threes…
One month following the death of my pet and two months after my Dad’s passing, a forest fire tore through the town my mother lived in and burnt down her house and everything inside. Complete and total destruction. Memories of my entire childhood – gone in an instant. Many of my Dad’s belongings – gone, just gone.
It took me a while to realize how affected I was by all of these things, especially happening so close to one another. At 18/19 years old, you feel invincible. It was like I knew these bad things were happening all around me, but I’d always been able to bounce back. But I’ve discovered, sometimes in life, you experience a delayed onset of emotion. Not to say that I was emotionless during the time, but I never fully allowed myself to accept the emotions, allow the emotions to run their course, and find closure.
Well... one thing I’ve learned since being a teenager, is you can’t avoid something forever and expect it to go away. I avoided my feelings for so long and it would rear its ugly head in the most inopportune times. For example, as I write this… I just experienced a horrible episode of compulsive binge eating. Something I’ve dealt with my whole life. Something I’ve hidden from people my whole life. It’s a serious eating disorder and I’ve refused to acknowledge it as such until right now.
I sit here with a bloated belly full of dark chocolate. I justify it and blame it on my nearing menstrual cycle. Sure, hormones play a role… but is that really the root of my ongoing compulsions? Nah. It’s not. Now, I know I’m not a licensed psychiatrist, but I’m pretty vulnerable and honest with myself. I’ve gotten real good at calling myself out on bullshit. This compulsive eating shit? Completely psychological. This an accumulation of unresolved feelings that I’ve refused to deal with. I deal with them by stuffing them back down where they belong in the pit of my stomach with the help of coma-inducing, highly palatable junk food. Obviously, this is not the healthy way of dealing with emotions. Facepalm.
Now I’m moving into the guilt trip phase. I stare at my rounded stomach in the mirror and think to myself:
“You’re a fatass. How can you promote health and fitness, yet stuff your face behind closed doors? Now you’re going to have to work twice as hard in the gym this week to work off that calorie surplus you just gobbled down. You have serious problems. Get your shit together. Go drink some green tea and eat some broccoli, fatty.”
Would you ever talk to anyone in your life that way? NO! Not at all. So why do we often find that we speak to ourselves that way?
This is my self-talk – right now. In real time. Seriously. You’re getting the raw and unfiltered version of my current binge eating episode. It’s harsh. It’s cruel. But it’s real.
I know I’m not the only one in this boat. I need to learn to love myself more and that starts with addressing my unresolved emotions and my self-talk. Sure, I make mistakes. There are going to be days when I eat a week’s worth of macros in 10 minutes. I’m human. I need to be more forgiving, but also find healthy ways to deter me from making the same mistakes over and over again.
To be honest, when I began this post… I wasn’t quite sure where I was going with it. And I’m still not. It’s basically just a bunch of words on a screen. I just had some thoughts and needed to get them out. And from doing so, I discovered a few things:
Be more forgiving towards yourself.
It’s OK to make mistakes.
But learn from your mistakes!
Create positive self-talk.
Maybe I should seek help concerning my continued eating disorder?
Menstrual cycles suck.
Acknowledge your emotions.
Allow them to run their course.
Or else they will show up in other parts of your life, whether your realize it or not.
My brain is seriously like a web browser with 93 different tabs open.
Peace, love, & strength,
Shannon
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