I have been struggling with a bum shoulder since the middle of September.
To be more specific – the area of pain is in my right rhomboid, trap, neck, and the pain wraps around to my pec area.
Holding anything in the front rack position – hurts. That means no front squats or cleans.
Pushing anything over my head – hurts. That means no shoulder to overhead movements (my faveeee), including snatches.
Pull-ups? Yep, they hurt.
Muscle ups? Yep, pain.
Basically anything that requires me to use my right shoulder - hurts.
Even burpees hurt – but I’m definitely not complaining about not doing those.
So basically I’ve been confined to doing mostly lower body movements.
Some days the pain is bearable and I muscle through it and get the work done. But I pay for it in the days following.
Between the CrossFit Open and training for Vekter games, it has been a true struggle and test of my willpower to train smart and allow myself to heal.
The competitor in me wants to train hard and intense.
But the competitor in me is also (moderately) wise and knows that risking a full on injury will set me back even further.
I began limiting any intense training or heavy load on my shoulder to either:
1. Training with my partner for our upcoming competition
or
2. Attempting the CrossFit Open workouts.
It would take me 2-3 days to recover and feel comfortable using my shoulder again.
Even during these training sessions/ workouts – I put the brakes on and governed myself enough to not further injure my shoulder. My check engine light would come on and every bell and whistle would start to go off if I didn’t monitor myself.
Anyone who has experienced an injury that inhibits them to perform or even just complete daily tasks knows that there is some emotional turmoil to be had.
Side story:
I was diagnosed with depression in 2013. I tried medication and hated it. My emotional state yo-yo’d back and forth for years and I ultimately turned to food and alcohol to try to combat it. It would help in the moment, but it was just slowly pushing me even further over the edge. After gaining 40+ pounds, my depression was at an all-time high.
In January of 2016, I moved to Maryland. It was the dead of winter and I had no friends or family. My depression was slowly getting worse. I hated my new home, but decided I would take the opportunity of having little to no outside distractions to work on myself. New state, new me – right? I began working out at the nearby Planet Fitness. Over the course of a year, I lost 45lbs and had a newfound passion for exercise and nutrition. I kept my depression at bay and felt healthy – physically and mentally.
I hit a plateau and that’s when I stumbled upon CrossFit and Olympic Weightlifting. Fast forward 2.5 years and it has completely transformed my life. Working out and lifting weights is my therapy. Seriously.
I know it sounds cliché – but weightlifting has truly become my form of treating my depression. When the barbell is in my hands, the proverbial weight of the world is lifted off of my shoulders.
The barbell doesn’t care what kind of day you had.
The barbell doesn’t care about your status, title, the car you drive, the clothes you wear.
The barbell is a symbol of unwavering truth.
You either lift it or you don’t.
When I setup for a lift – literally nothing goes through my mind. It’s quiet and peaceful.
And that is such a powerful form of relief for me.
So, imagine no longer having that outlet.
Once my shoulder pain reached a point where I knew I needed to stop my regular training, I saw it as no longer being able to treat my depression in the best way I knew how…
Without a doubt, it took a toll on me - along with many other factors in my crazy, hectic life.
But no longer having my one piece of Zen really began to put me in a hole.
My nutrition suffered.
My mindset suffered.
My attitude changed.
I felt depleted.
No motivation.
I noticed myself complaining a lot more.
I was much more irritable.
I stopped being grateful.
I started feeling sorry for myself.
Until one day…
I decided that I would not let the injury hinder my progress (mentally and physically) and began to see it as an opportunity to work on some of my biggest weaknesses – lack of strength in my legs and cardio.
AND, most importantly:
Work on my mindset.
I’ve had to fight to re-frame my state of mind. I had to remind myself that CrossFit and weightlifting are NOT my identity.
I identify with each of them, but they are not who I am.
At first, I struggled with that. But then it became empowering. It forced me to dive inside my brain a little bit.
Like – holy shit…
Who am I?
What do I like to do?
What am I interested in?
Etc…
Turns out… I like to cook.
I’m not good at it, but I’m getting better.
Apparently, I enjoy taking hot baths.
I originally began taking them for recovery purposes, but turns out I enjoy the few moments of quiet and relaxation.
I’ve been listening to music more.
People who have known me for a long time know that music has been a passion of mine since I could walk.
I used to spend hours scouring the internet for new, unheard of music by unknown bands. I loooooved reggae and blues, acoustic and folk, bluegrass and Americana. There was just nothing quite like finding that one new song or band that just makes you stop for a second and appreciate your life in that very moment.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my love for it.
However, with my mindset reframe – I’ve picked it back up. At least a little.
And it makes me happy.
I’m finding new things that bring me joy and picking up old hobbies that brought me joy before.
I’m discovering new things about myself.
I’m finding new things about myself that I need to improve on.
But I’m also finding new ways to love myself.
My bum shoulder has taught me more than just how to heal myself physically – but how to heal mentally, as well.
Do I want to go back to my regular training and work load?
Of course.
But am I being patient and finding opportunities/ silver linings in the setback?
Yep.
Conclusively, my legs are stronger and so is my mindset. My cardio on the other hand? Ehhh, come back to me on that – Ha!
We’ve all heard the saying “my comeback is greater than my setback.”
Well, it’s true.
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