Uh oh.
It happened again.
I’m sitting here with a belly full of chocolate and a head full of shame.
How did I let this happen?
I thought I was past binge eating? I thought I had created healthy habits to prevent this?
Well… turns out, I’m still human.
I’m not perfect. And I only have my shit together about 70% of the time.
So mistakes happen. That’s the nature of life.
Am I mad at myself? Disappointed? Frustrated? All the above? Yes. Absolutely.
But I am also forgiving.
Rather than beat myself up over my poor choices, I’ve decided to use this as a learning experience for myself and share it with others.
As I sit and reflect on the last ~30 minutes or so, I try to identify the trigger that pushed me to dive head first into the bag of Hershey’s chocolate kisses.
A flood of excuses come pouring into my mind.
I’m about to start my menstrual cycle.
I’m stressed.
I’m feeling the post – vacation blues.
Etcetera, etcetera.
And then I realized it was a combination of things that contributed to my lack of willpower.
I can pin point its start to my latest weightlifting meet on January 25th.
Leading up to the competition, I was in a highly restricted calorie deficit.
I was counting my macros to a T.
I was consuming approximately 1400 calories or less per day, when I’m used to eating 1700-1900 a day.
It was not difficult and I did not feel deprived. But I knew it was not sustainable.
I lost ~8lbs in 5 days.
In those 5 days, all I thought about was food.
Tacos, donuts, pizza, pop tarts, Oreos, cheeseburgers, etc.
But I was disciplined and kept my mind focused.
I weighed in for my meet at 58.6kg or 128.9lbs.
My body sits comfortably at ~133lbs (most days).
I performed well, PR’d my meet total, and even medaled at 2nd place.
That night I indulged in tacos, queso, pop tarts, and basically any processed food I could get my hands on.
The following day, I adhered to about a 60/40 ratio of nutrient dense foods and what I like to refer to as “soul foods.”
This was the case for most of that week.
Then I flew out to surprise my Mom for her birthday.
This was a special occasion and knew that my adherence would only fare about 50%.
Boy, was I wrong.
I probably consumed about 6lbs of queso and chips during the short while I was there.
I enjoyed foods that I can only get in the southwest and I did so without a single shred of guilt.
I justified it by telling myself that I had restricted myself for so long, it was OK to allow my body to indulge.
I told myself that sometimes it’s OK to feed your mind and soul. Well, my mind wanted enchiladas.
I’d get right back on my nutrition upon my return.
Well. Getting back into the swing of things was more difficult than I had imagined it would be.
I found myself craving hyper-palatable foods. Savory, sweet, whatever… I just wanted anything other than the foods I’d so thoughtfully prepared for myself.
I found myself reaching for a piece of chocolate here and there.
I thought…this is fine, ease yourself back into things. Baby steps. It’s all good.
Things were not fine.
I kept telling myself to listen to my body.
Well my body kept telling me to eat crap.
I became so conflicted.
The nutrition coach in me was telling myself to just eat some nuts and carrots and suck it up.
But the human in me was telling me to reach for the candy jar.
Guess who won?
Yep, turns out I’m just a normal human being who faces the same challenges as everyone else.
It’s how we choose to handle the aftermath that sets us apart.
Sure, I feel guilty AF.
My belly is currently bloated and hanging over the waistline of my pants.
My face feels puffy, and I’m sure a pimple or two will pop up as a result of all the chocolate I consumed.
But will I punish myself with hours of cardio to make up for the calorie surplus I just plunged myself into?
Nah, that sounds miserable.
Will I choose to eat nothing for the rest of the day to make up for it?
Nope, resume as usual. Tuna and tomatoes for the win!
Will I be kind to myself and use this as a learning experience?
Yep. It’s really the only productive thing I can do!
So - in summary, I believe the cause was due to a series of things.
Being in a restrictive calorie deficit for an extended amount of time followed by a week-long calorie surplus caused my hormones to go haywire. I literally went from one extreme to the next.
I had been feeding myself whatever, whenever and my body got used to it.
When I finally resumed my normal nutrition, my body was still stuck in surplus mode.
On top of that, my approaching menstrual cycle always causes me to crave particular foods more than usual.
Combine that with my post-vacation blues and the everyday stress of life and BAM! You’ve got a recipe for a binge episode.
It was like the perfect storm. Everything aligned just right.
I’m aware that there is likely some other science-based reasoning behind it and I am exploring those ideas – such as lack of fiber, chemical imbalance in my brain, etc.
Could I have prevented this?
Oh, absolutely.
I’m by no means making excuses or justifying my poor nutrition choices.
But things happen, we learn, and move on.
Don't punish yourself. Be kind. Reflect. Listen to your body. Learn. Grow. Evolve.
I’ll resume drinking water, eating my carrots, and looking forward to a great weekend ahead.