The last month or so, I feel like I’ve been in this weird emotional growth stage.
Maybe it was Mercury in Retrograde. Maybe I hit a quarter-life crisis. Maybe I’m just growing and maturing naturally. Idk.
But it’s had me reflecting a lot on my life experiences the last 1-2 years.
Summer 2018 was ROUGH.
I won’t share details. But it completely altered my outlook on life.
My internal voice changed. My “why” changed.
I became vindictive. Cold. Spiteful. Revengeful. Passive aggressive.
Meanwhile, I was also trying to create this bubble of positivity around myself.
I wanted to be optimistic and strong-willed and inspiring.
But my motives were completely off.
The two driving forces went head to head more often than not.
I spent the last year and a half fighting this internal battle inside my mind.
I dove head first into self-care and learning how to love myself again.
But it wasn’t enough. I found myself seeking validation outside of myself. I was living this self-deprecating life of constant comparison.
I found myself needing to be reminded that I was good enough. Better than.
I was driven by spite. That kind of mindset can get you far. But not without a cost.
When my performance did not meet my expectations, it was like a bomb went off in my mind.
I would over-analyze everything. I would chalk it up to me not being good enough. It felt like the emotional roller coaster was never ending.
The last month or so, I’ve felt burnt out. Tired. Unmotivated.
The gym became a chore.
I had been putting so much pressure on myself to get better, faster, stronger.
My expectations were high and I kept falling short.
I became uninterested in lifting (my FAVORITE thing in the whole wide world).
I signed up for a weightlifting competition scheduled in mid-January to help me find some focus and give me something to work towards.
It worked for like 2 days – ha!
I found myself falling back into my toxic habits and mindset.
Then something in my mind shifted.
Idk if you’re superstitious or believe in communicating with the “other side.”
I’m skeptical, but have a handful of experiences that have me questioning if maybe there is a way to communicate with those no longer with us.
Ok, I know what you’re thinking…Shannon, wtf are you talking about?
For those who don’t know, my Dad passed away in 2012. It was Easter Sunday and he was involved in a motorcycle accident.
I was extremely close with my father and every day I am discovering that I am more like him than I ever imagined.
Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that you never really get over it. You just learn to live with it.
Since my Dad’s death, I’ve had few instances where I felt like his spirit was still with me. At least nothing that really stuck out to me. Maybe I’m just not that observant. Idk.
However, the last few weeks have been nothing short of eerie, but in a good way.
My Dad’s birthday was November 21. I did my little obligatory social media post and thought of a few nice memories and went about my day.
Since then, I’ve had these small occurrences that keep popping up in my life and reminding me of my Dad.
For instance, I was having a particularly rough day. I hopped on Facebook and went to my memories. A post from my Dad showed up. I don’t remember the post. I mean, it was nearly 8 years ago. But I don’t ever remember seeing it in my FB memories before this day.
Odd, I thought. But it made happy.
Another day, I was having a bad day in the gym. Things didn’t feel right. I wasn’t hitting numbers I had set for myself. I was getting frustrated.
As I setup for my lift, my Dad popped into my head.
This isn’t the first time I’ve thought of my Dad while lifting.
But this particular moment was different. I can’t explain why. It was just different.
I felt a sense of calm. Relief.
I heard my Dad say “just have fun with it.”
A little backstory – my Dad was a personal trainer. He LOVED all things health and fitness. As a teenager, he was a gymnast and continued his love for sports into his adulthood. He coached mine and my brother’s little leagues and he constantly encouraged activity.
I remember going on bike rides, setting up obstacle courses in the backyard, playing kickball, etc.
As an adult, I share the same love he had for health and fitness.
CrossFit and lifting has been a way for me to reconnect with my Dad despite him no longer being here.
But I seemed to forget that some time ago.
When I heard my Dad’s voice in my head that day, I smiled.
“Just have fun with it”
I let it marinate in my head a little bit.
The next day, I went back in for training and found myself sliding back into my toxic habits.
I was frustrated with my performance.
And then I thought of my Dad.
I thought to myself…he’s no longer here. He can’t work out like you can anymore. This was what he LOVED to do. You still have this capability. And you’re sitting here complaining about it.
Right then, I had an epiphany.
I thought… I’m doing this for all the wrong reasons. No wonder I’m burnt out and frustrated.
Do this for him.
Don’t do this to prove anything to anyone.
Don’t do this for Instagram.
Do this for him.
Do this in his honor.
And... just have fun with it.
It was like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders.
All the pressure and expectations I had put on myself seemed to just dissolve.
I was reminded why I fell in love with weightlifting in the beginning. It was because I felt like I was close to my Dad. That was my “why.” But somehow I forgot over the years.
I’m thankful for this reminder.
A series of odd and eerily coincidental things have occurred since my Dad’s birthday on November 21st. I won’t go into details, but I’m convinced that he is here with me more now than ever before. Every single day I am overcome with thoughts and small reminders of him which is completely unusual for me.
Perhaps my Dad knew I was struggling and it was time for a change. Perhaps I unlocked some sort of spiritual connection that I was not aware of before. Perhaps it’s all coincidental – but I don’t believe in coincidence.
Since I've had this redefining moment, I find myself happy about lifting again. Sure, I have my days where I'm tired and unmotivated (who doesn't?). But I'm no longer trying to prove anything to anyone. I don't have a cloud of expectation lingering above me. I'm just...having fun with it. :)