Transcending

I’m in a funk. In multiple areas of my life. It’s overwhelming, And it’s been ongoing for the last few months.

Getting to the gym and training consistently has been a struggle. I require extreme discipline to get my ass into the gym some days – super thankful for my awesome training partners and all of the awesome people at Prodigy who hold me accountable!

My job has its ups and downs. I feel like I’m not fulfilling any purpose most days. Just paid a pretty penny to sit and smile at a computer screen. However, I’m thankful for my amazing boss and coworkers who make coming to work an easy decision day in and day out.

I’m homesick like 110% of the time and I feel guilty about it. Maryland simply doesn’t complement my lifestyle and I long to be back down south with my family. I’m grateful for all of the people I’ve been blessed to cross paths with here in Maryland and obvs extremely grateful for Dave who remains the only reason why I haven’t packed up and left for Texas yet – ha!

I’ve been wanting to kick start my nutrition coaching biz, but haven’t because I’m paralyzed by the fear of failure and judgment. I suffer horribly from imposter syndrome and it’s been my main reason for not taking the next step in fulfilling that dream. However, I am thankful to have at least one client whom I’ve been working with for the past month who seems to trust me enough to coach them into a healthier lifestyle. That has certainly boosted my confidence and credibility.

I’m in this weird spot mentally as far as my own self-perception goes. I try to self-evaluate often and find areas of improvement, but lately, every area of my life needs improvement. It’s overwhelming. From my career to my training to my mindset to my appearance… everything needs an overhaul, I feel like. However, I lack motivation. Most days I just want to lay in bed and eat cereal while watching crime docs on Netflix/ Hulu (it’s called self-care!). Clearly, that is not a very productive way to live.

I feel emotionally spent most days because I spend so much time in my own head. In addition to overthinking literally every minute of my life, I have a horrible habit of replaying past traumatic experiences in my head and obsess over minor details and constantly question “what if?” I don’t recommend doing this. It literally makes you a prisoner of your own thoughts and past. Just another area of improvement for myself.

I haven’t been blogging as frequently either because I’ve lacked the motivation to do so. Sure, my thoughts are still swimming, but they are so sporadic and even now I feel like they are so disorderly that this post doesn’t even make sense – ha!

The overwhelming feeling is physiological. The only way I can describe it is…

It feels like my mind is a huge intersection with multiple crosswalks, but none of the lights work and people are just walking in every which way with no true direction- trying to avoid oncoming cars. They’re running into each other and rushing to get to wherever they are going. Drivers are blasting their car horns and trying to avoid accidents. And I am standing in the middle. Unable to get out of the intersection. Trapped. I want to retreat. But I can’t. So I just close my eyes and try to silence the world around me. I feel my body tense. I feel an uneasiness in my stomach. I feel my breath shorten. And then it just stops. Everything stops and fades away. I don’t feel any better though because nothing is resolved. I’ve simply tucked it away to be dealt with at another time.

I’m in a funk – and I’m honestly scared by it. I’m quite literally paralyzed. I know I will overcome it. But right now, I don’t think I have the right tools necessary. Or perhaps there is some sort of lesson I am to learn from it that I haven’t grasped yet. Whichever it is, I am always grateful for every season of my life whether it be a period of joy and comfort or melancholy and difficulty – I know that I am transcending.